Feeling kind of miserable

We know wickedness never was happiness. Sin bring nothing but misery. My mom has always told me drinking caffeine was a sin. I kinda didn't believe her. Everyone knows its not. I am starting to think maybe she is right. Right now I am miserable. I am feel like crap and I'm considering skipping church.

My path to destruction began late on Tuesday evening. I had procrastinated going to the grocery store to buy some lasagna that was on sale. Ads change on Wednesday so I had to load the three younger kids, who were in their pajamas, into the car and trudge down to the Fresh Market. If it would have been Maceys I could have just waited till they were all asleep but since Fresh Market isn't open 24 hours (which blows my mind-isn't every store worth going to open 24 hours these days) I had to go before close. I had hoped Rick would be home so I could sneak off by myself but he wasn't. Taylor was at a football game. So we went to the the store. They were out of Lasagna. I was mad. I saw some in a woman's cart. I eyed it jealously and wondered how I could get it from her (boy am I full of sin). I politely asked her where she found it and she said, almost in a bragging tone, it was the last one. I should probably admit that she was most likely being polite but in my green with envy state it sounded like she was rubbing it in.

Well the thing was this lasagna - which is one of the only foods (besides pizza) that everyone in my family will eat was a really good deal. It is also my favorite kind of meal - the kind that require no effort on my part. It comes in a box in its own pan so I can pull it straight from the freezer to the oven in less than 15 seconds and when done I can throw it in the trash without doing dishes. That is definitely my favorite kind of meal. So anyway this lasagna was a couple dollars cheaper than usually and (this is the kicker) if you buy it you get a bunch of free stuff. Free french bread, free salad, free cookies and free soda. I like soda, cookies, bread and salad, and I especially like free. So you can see why it was really important I didn't miss this sale.

By this point I was pretty frustrated, my kids were also running around the store, climbing all over the cart, in their pajamas, acting like acrobats that had just escaped from the circus, (or maybe lunatics from the funny farm). So I was also growing more and more embarrassed. I was headed towards the door when a nice young boy (he looked like he was 12 which just shows how old I am getting since he must have been at least 16 to be working there) came pushing a cart of lasagna. He asked me if I was looking for some. I smiled and nodded. He got me some and was kind enough to also help me gather up all my free items. They were out of french bread. But this amazing grocery stocker went and got me a loaf of frozen french bread from the bakery freezer and wrapped it up for me and told me how to cook it. I was amazed. While it does require a bit more work to cook the bread it is kind of nice to have it frozen so we can eat it when we want.

Well my last free item to get was soda. Here is where my real path to destruction begins. Being the last few hours of the sale they were out of almost everything. Including soda. All they had was pepsi and diet Mt Dew. I sadly walked away knowing I should not buy those kinds of soda. Of course it was free so I wasn't actually buying it - but I still walked away. Then I walked back. Then I walked away. Then I walked back. This happened a least 3 times - maybe 4. Finally the pressure had worn me down - I grabbed a bottle of Diet Mt Dew and went to the check out. The bottle of soda sat on my counter for a few days. Taylor asked me what it was. He asked if it had caffeine. I still had enough self respect not to lie to him. He asked why we had it, "we aren't' going to actually drink it are we" he said. I told him it was for our food storage. It was all I could think of. I think that kind of puzzled him but he just shrugged his shoulders and walked away. Up to this point I have been able to hide my caffeine drinking from my kids because I have only ever gotten it from a fountain - and once it is in a cup they can't tell what it is.

It is almost Halloween. The last week of October is usually one of my most stressful weeks of the year. This year is no exception. I came home from a "baby" shower (she is really 4 - but my friend just adopted her) to a horrible mess, cranky kids and a tired and stressed husband. He was trying to get some work done. I guilted him into helping me start working on Taylor's costume that I had also procrastinated. He is being Mr. Koolaide man. I think I will post a separate blog on that whole issue so stay tuned if you are interested. So we worked on that for a couple hours.

The house grew even more messy and the kids more wild. Finally we break down and feed the kids who have been crying from hunger for the last hour or so. It was around 9:00. Then the mess was getting to me so I made everyone help me clean it up and we got the kids to bed a little after 11 :00. We were tired. I saw the diet Mt. Dew. I wanted it. I told myself we should go to bed. I kept seeing the Mt Dew. For some reason I couldn't help myself from walking past it every couple of minutes. It was tormenting me. I asked Rick, "How would you feel about having some Mt. Dew" We have been married long enough he knows that actually translates to "I want some Mt. Dew but feel to guilty drinking it by myself so I need you to drink some with me." So being the kind, loving husband he is - agreed. Apparently he needs to work on resisting peer pressure. He drank some, I drank a lot - a really lot. He worked on his work stuff (whatever it was - any time the computer screen is black with a bunch of tiny number and letters in weird configurations I just ignore it) I kept drinking.

Then I talked him into helping me work on Taylor's costume some more. We needed some stuff for it so I went to Walmart. It was after midnight - so I guess I was shopping on Sunday too. We tried everything we could think of, wrestled with the cardboard, taped and taped and finally came up something that kind of looks like a kool aid pitcher. So we started wrapping the whole thing in duck tape. We just went around the thing doing lap after lap. We were going pretty fast. Pretty soon Rick stopped and stepped back and said he couldn't do it anymore. I kept going, around and around and around. When I finally got to the bottom and stood up I almost tipped over. It was like a kid getting off the merry go round. I couldn't walk straight. I couldn't see straight. I felt like I was going to throw up. I stumbled my way into my bed and laid there. I felt awful. I went to sleep. It was a little after 3 am. Rick stayed up and did some more work. He came in a little after 4:00. The phone rang at 9:00 this morning. I tried to get it but couldn't. My head still aches, I am still worried about throwing up. I am tired. I want to die. Perhaps I am hung over - although I am pretty sure that comes from alcohol not caffeine. It sure is a good thing the Lasagna didn't come with free beer. I may have ended up drinking it.

But boy do I feel awful. It hurts to open my eyes. It hurts to stand up, it hurts to lay down, it hurts to talk, it hurts to think, pretty much it hurts to be alive. Rick woke up he raised his head a bit and said "I feel like crap" and then laid back down and closed his eyes. I felt guilty for pressuring him with the Mt Dew. So I drug myself out of bed and brought him in some medicine. Usually he asked me what I am giving him when I hand him medicine. But he just opened his hand for my fistful of pills and swallowed them without opening his eyes. His head hit the pillow and he was asleep again. I tired to go back to sleep but my stomach hurt to bad. Death doesn't' sound to bad at this point. I am not sure if we can go to church today. I think we may skip it. I truly am miserable. This could be a good lesson for me - maybe caffeine really is as wicked as my Mom tells me it is- but the truth is I am probably too stubborn to learn anything from it. Also Mt Dew really does taste pretty good.

Taylor's wife

I was driving along with Taylor in the car the other day and he said, "Mom your going to have a big impact on my wife." After I finished doing my mental victory dance over what a great mom I am I asked him what he meant by that. I imagined how he would say he was going to hunt the world over the find someone like me to marry. He replied, "I am going to watch what you do and figure out all the bad parts of you and make sure a woman doesn't have those before I marry her." Well I guess I am good for something.

We went on to talk about what he thought he life would be like when he got older. He had some pretty big ideas. He knew most of the things he wanted take a lot of money so he decided he better get a job that makes a lot. He is planning on being a doctor since in his mind they make the most. It was fun to hear about his dreams. I can't wait to visit him in his "big house, that is not a mansion - but it has 3 stories and a balcony" or ride in his "purple spider with yellow stars" or play with his 1 or maybe 2 kids - (any more that that will cost too much money and he won't have enough for all the other things he wants to do.) But most of all I can't wait to meet his wife who will be have none of my bad parts - I guess she will be nothing like me then.

Anna's baptism

When I was eight years old I got baptized. It was at the stake center in Eugene. I was baptized the same day as a girl named Chloe. She went first. She came up out of the water and yelled. WOW!!!! I didn't know what to think. I was scared. Before that WOW!!! I thought you just went under the water, hopefully didn't get any water up your nose and that if your dress or hair popped up you'd have to do it again. I didn't think anything would happen to you under the water that would be worthy of a WOW. I got in the water, went under, came up and quietly got out. No WOW. I do remember feeling good but a little confused. What happened to Chloe that didn't happen to me?

I walked up the stairs and into the dressing room. My mom was there holding out a towel. She wrapped me in it, hugged me and with tears streaming down her face she whispered, "I'm so proud of you". 27 years later I watched Rick take Anna's hand and lead her into the water. I stood in the dressing room doorway and watched Anna walk up the stairs I held out a towel wrapped her in it, held her close and whispered "I am so proud of you". Tears were streaming down my face. And WOW. That moment is something I will forever cherish.

At eight I didn't understand what happened to me under the water- I didn't get how significant it was. I am not sure that Anna does either. But now I know. Now I know not only what those covenants are but what they mean and how blessed I am for having had the privileged to make them. And watching my daughter take her first step on path that will bring her such happiness was a moment I will never forget.

Summer

The mountains are on fire with reds and yellows. My fridge is full of local apples, my pantry shelves are lined with newly canned peaches. School is in full swing, progress reports hang on my fridge. The kids drawers are full of shorts they haven't worn for days and long sleeved shirts and jeans fill my laundry basket. Pumpkins sit on porches and costumes are in the works. It is dark outside by the time I call the kids to the table for dinner. My thermostat is set to off and this morning I hunted through the back of my closet for a sweater to pull on. I guess it is time I finally break down and admit it. Summer is over. There is no more pretending - it is really over.

This summer has been really good, it breaks my heart to see it end. Last weekend in a desperate attempt to hang on a little longer to the carefree feeling late summer evenings bring I let the kids play outside well past dark. I sat on the porch and we laughed and watched the neighbors playing fugitive. We watched the moths flirt with the porch light we picked some flowers and looked at the stars. It was getting to be time to go in, but I didn't want to, so I sent everyone in to get some shoes and we hopped in car and drove to Diary Queen for blizzards. Even Dairy Queen knows summer is over - their 1/2 price after 10:00pm summer promotion was over and I had to pay full price. Driving home I saw the fountains still going at the new park. I pulled in and suggested a run through the fountains. Some of the kids were in the pajamas and Ryan didn't have a shirt on so they were hesitant to get out of the car - but they finally did. Taylor, Dallin and Rick bravely ran through the water. I chickened out. We were only there about 5 minutes before everyone was begging through chattering teeth to leave. That wouldn't have happened in August.

I love summer, I live for summer and this summer has been one of the best - and one of the shortest. Dallin remarked the other day, "how come when you are doing something fun time goes by really fast but when you are doing chores or piano or something it takes forever" I wish I knew the answer to that, it is one of the cruel tricks of nature I guess.

We started out the summer with a trip to New Mexico. While 11 hours in the car with 5 kids was no picnic it wasn't bad either. My mom was there to help keep them entertained. The sun and heat of New Mexico felt wonderful. Mark and my mom lamented the heat but I loved it. We swam, played in the river, went to the zoo, shot guns and had a really really good time. Family is a great part of summer. We were home a few weeks - just long enough for me to get my garden in and some flowers planted and we left for Oregon. This time Rick got to go. This was a trip I have longed to take. It was everything I dreamed it would be and more. It truly was amazing. We also went camping several times, hiking, swimming and enjoyed more family when Liz and Jim came for Anna's baptism.

A lot of my friends dread summer break and say there kids get bored and are ready to go back to school by the 4th of July. I can't believe this - how can kids get bored during the summer. The idea is so foreign to me, I feel like there is never enough time to do all I want to do during the summer. I am fighting for every last minute of summer break. In fact this summer Grandma and Grandpa carter were here the first couple weeks of school so we really put off getting back into a school schedule until after they left. It was late nights and undone homework until after labor day.

Last Christmas I got a book from my Mom. It is called something like "Great kids are homemade". I am a big fan. It's premise is something I have long believed. You have to make your home fun enough that your kids want to be there. Well in the book it has tons of great suggestions. My lazy nature has gotten in the way of implementing a lot of them but one thing we did try was to have a more scheduled summer. With the idea of work hard/play hard.

So we instituted what came to be known as "days" at our house. We had "work day", "library day", "technology day", "fun day" and friends day". For the most part it worked out really well. One of the first things I heard each morning when the kids drug themselves out of bed was "what day is it" and they didn't mean Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs or Friday. I thought the kids would rebel but they didn't. They complained a bit but for the most part I think they liked it. This is the description of our "days" that I wrote at the beginning of the summer. The idea was to limit screen time, to keep my house from filling like a day care center with every neighborhood child moving in for summer and to keep our house looking reasonably clean.

Work Day

What: A day to get all our chores, errands and lessons done.

When: Once a week, usually Monday or Wednesdays between the hours of 10:00 and 4:00

Rules: Everyone will do their normal daily chores, their work day chores, piano, scouts, and all errands that need to be done such as the grocery store, walmart etc. There will be no friends, no tv, no wii, no computer.

Fun Day:

What: A day to do a fun activity of your choice.

When: Once a week, on Tuesday or Thursdays between the hours of 11:00 – 4:00 (we can be flexible)

Rules: Everyone will do their normal daily chores first. Each family member will get 2 turns during the summer to plan any activity they want to do. The rules are that everyone must be able to participate, you may not spend more than $20 (you can save your money or pool with others if you want). No one may complain or refuse to participate – if you do you forfeit your turn. The person whose turn it is to plan the activity may invite 1 friend to ride with us if they want. Other than that there will be no friends, no wii, no tv, no computer.

Library Day:

What: A day to go to the library, the park, read books and watch a mom chosen movie.

When: Once a week on Tuesday or Thursday between the hours of 11:00 and 4:00.

Rules: Everyone will do their normal daily chores first. We will go to the library and perhaps to the park to play and eat lunch after (depending on weather). When we return home we will spend the afternoon reading a book of your choice. We will each have a turn to choose a family book mom will read aloud for ½ hour, the readers will then take 15 min turns to read to the non readers and 45 min to read to themselves. We will then all watch a mom chosen movie. The only rule for the book is that it has to be a book you have not read before. We will have reading/movie snacks chosen by a different person each week. There will be no friends, no wii, no tv, no computer.

Mom chosen movies are ones that will hopefully bring some culture and education into are lives but are still enjoyable. Movies the kids would never choose on their own but still fun and enjoyable.

Technology Day:

What: A day to play computer, wii, or watch tv .

When: Once a week, on Monday or Wednesday between the hours of 10:00 and 4:00

Rules: Everyone will do their normal daily chores. You will sign up for 1 hour blocks on the computer, tv, laptop or game boy. You may not fight, complain or go past your time or you forfeit your next turn. Sign ups are first come first serve after daily chores are done. Friends may come over but if they play they get your time.

Friday Friend Day: You can do whatever you want after normal daily chores are done. You can have 1 hour of screen time that you sign up for on a first come first serve basis after chores are done. And you may play with any and all friends all day long.

For the most part our days went pretty much like planned. I did find it very hard to continually turn away the kids who knocked on the door asking to come play so we often had friends all day. They started asking me "what day is it" too. In fact it wasn't all that rare to have to walk home one of Ryan's little friends at 11:00 at night when we started getting ready for bed. This little late night friends was also often one of the first ones to arrive.

I also had a hard time enforcing reading - partly because so many friends were constantly there on library day. I also hate reading out loud. I know a good mom shouldn't feel that way, but I do. I love reading, and I love books - but I hate reading out loud. I also have a really hard time only reading a chapter or two at a time. If I start a book I like to finish it that day - often reading into the morning hours. So all to often if I started reading a book to the kids I couldn't help myself and would end up getting it out and finishing it after the kids had gone to bed for the night. Then I want to move on to the next book instead of rereading the same one to them that I had finished the night before. I also can't read out loud fast enough for me. I can read a lot faster to myself and my mind isn't patient enough to wait for my mouth to catch up so it is frustrating. So reading out loud didn't go as well as planned. I forced myself to do it some of the days - so it was an improvement from past years but I don't think I ever finished a book with them.

Other than those 2 areas we did pretty good with sticking to our schedule. We had fun, the kids never really got bored and surprisingly enough my house was cleaner than usual. So I definitely consider the "days" to have been a successful venture.

I had kind of thought we would stick with our "days" this fall. But school really screws everything up. If just hasn't' worked. By the time the kids walk in after school and we finish homework, chores, piano, scouts, achievement days, soccer and dance it is about time to fall into bed. There is no time for fun. But I guess that is life and it is probably about time I grew up and realized everything is not about fun. At least not until next summer.

Wendy

Someday I would love to meet Wendy. Apparently she is one amazing person. She is smarter than me. She even knows how to drive. She is the oldest kid. The list goes on and on. I decided to ask Rachel about Wendy so I could make sure and portray her accurately. Everything in italics is a direct quote from Rachel.

Her (Wendy) mom and dad died by the war, just like Aubrey's old grandpa that died by the war and now all she has is his ring. Wendy knows how to get bugs out of your eyes. I think this came up because just before this conversation we discussed how Aunt Kristin knows all about ears and can even get bugs out of your ear – Rachel asked if Kristin could get bugs out of your eyes if one crawled in there. I said I didn't think so – Kristin just does ears, noses and throats not eyes, plus I don't think bugs crawl into eyes all that often. Well I guess Wendy has one on Kristin because she can get them out of your eyes. Back to Wendy . She also has a dog and cat. She knows things that Anna knows . When her mom just barely had a baby she died so Wendy has to take care of her because she knows how to drive and stuff. She knows how to tie good and work ipods when they are off and they aren't turning on. She knows how to sing really good, she knows how to tape really good. She knows how to take care of a baby good. And she is a doctor too. Her mom was a Dr but now she is not because now she is dead by the war. She knows how to wash good. And her baby wouldn't cry. Wendy is with white hair and she has a pool in her house, like in her bathroom. She has 2 bathrooms, no 3 bathrooms, no lots of bathrooms, 4, because she has one downstairs. The downstairs one has the pool. She has a blue swimming suit, Anna's favorite color is her swimming suit. She has lots of boots. Also Wendy can even do the splits – I am not kidding, I am not lying, I am not crossies. She can – even she can do the gymnastics. She is really smart. She has a roof on her ground and she can walk on it without falling.

She has a blue ipod and she has her own laptop and her own computer. She looks like the same as the Wendy that we get a frosty at. She has a cute necklace. She has a snuggle butt. I asked what a snuggle but was. Rachel covered her mouth while snickering and said a snuggle butt is a cute butt.

Wendy is Rachel's imaginary friend. She has been for a LONG time. I keep waiting for Wendy to be forgotten, but she is not. She is as real as anything to Rachel. She is always talking about Wendy and telling me how much better Wendy is than I am. Apparently driving is really important because the fact that Wendy is not a mom, but an old kid who knows how to drive, is very important to Rachel. When asked the best thing about Wendy, Rachel will tell you “Wendy can even drive”. Also the fact that she has a dog and a cat strikes right up their with her driving talents. I then asked Rachel who she liked better. Here is what she said.

Who do you like better Mommy or Wendy:

Wendy (-no hesitation)

Who do you like better Daddy or Wendy:

Wendy

Who do you like better Taylor or Wendy:

Wendy (a little bit of a hesitation there-surprisingly enough)

Who do you like better Dallin or Wendy:

Wendy

Who do you like better Anna or Wendy

Wendy:

Who do you like better Ryan or Wendy:

Wendy

Who do you like better Grandma or Wendy:

Wendy

Who do you like better Grandpa or Wendy:

Wendy

Who do you like better Kevin or Wendy:

Wendy

Who do you like better Tess or Wendy:

Wendy – (pause) actually Tess and Tess's baby

Once again Tess triumphs as Rachel's favorite person, I thought for a minute Wendy would win out but Tess pulled it off. I wonder if it has something to do with the baby. She is not even here yet and she still beats me but whats even more amazing is that she beats Wendy, and that Wendy is one amazing girl.

Beauty Salon

Rachel's got a new game she likes to play. She lays down, completely naked, on the bathroom counter puts her head in the sink and washes her hair. The first time I walked in the bathroom and saw this I about lost it. There was water running down the side of the counter pooling all over the floor. There were towels everywhere - to catch the water Rachel later told me. There was a bottle of shampoo laying on it side with shampoo all over the counter and Rachel was naked as a jay bird happily scrubbing the top of her hair. I asked her what in the world was going on. She sat up and very matter a factly said, "I'm pretending I'm going to the dentist-no not the dentist, you know that one place that does hair and finger polish" then she laid back down and continued scrubbing.

Rachel loves the salon. She begs to get her hair cut every time we pass it. For her birthday Anna chose to go to the salon and get her hair and nails done. Rachel got to go too, and Liz and I got pedicures. (Which I so enjoy). Rachel walked right in hopped up on her seat and when asked what she wanted done with her hair she said I want Taylor Swift hair. The girl looked at me. I nodded and said, make her into Taylor Swift and went back and got my toes done. A little while later a beaming "Taylor Swift" came in and sat by me while they finished up my feet. She loved it. She looked at herself in the mirror and smiled and smiled. She'd turn this way and that admiring her hair and nails. It is a pity that a girl who loves to feel pretty as much as Rachel does can't seem to look much better than an orphan most days. As beautiful as she is she has got to become better friends with a brush a wash cloth and matching clothes.

Taylor and a rant about scouts

Taylor has been working on his scouting. His goal is to get his 1st class by his birthday. One of the requirements is to invite a boy to join scouts. Well we had to bend the rules a bit because he actually does not know any boys who aren't already in scouts. All of the boys in our ward are active - at least in his age group. There are some older boys who could probably come more often but when I mentioned them he flatly refused saying he was scared of them. I agreed, I'm scared of them too. I asked around to find out what others had done in this situation. Just like many other requirements in our wards scouting program they kind of just skip them. I didn't feel good about just skipping it so I decided to have Taylor write a letter to a boy inviting them to scouts. This is what he came up with....

Hello,
come to scout's sunny,
cuz if you don't well that's to bad.
You get knowledge, experience, and refreshments,
that are very yummy.
So if you don't come thats just
fine.
You just won't be a straight line
But you will be missing a lot I say,
Bowling, fishing, swimming, sports, work, and play.
However if you do come you are likely to get your
wolf, bear, webelos and more
maybe you'll get your eagle that will be
a high score.
So come or don't come for all I care
I just wanted to give you some
fun to share.

From,
Taylor

While not exactly what I had in mind but I decided to let it pass. Creativity can earn you extra points. Scouting is a interesting thing to me. I didn't think much about it until Taylor turned 8. Even then I drove him to his den meetings and listened to him say his scout law and stuff. Then I got called as a den leader. I learned a lot about the scouting program, the boys, my sons and my self. I am a big fan. I think it is very important. I feel strongly (like anyone who has read much of my blog already knows) that it is very important to teach children that they can do hard things. Boys need confidence. They need that taste of success. They need to accomplish something and feel good about it. I recently read an article by Bob Lonsberry that I very much agree with. Read it here http://www.lonsberry.com/writings.cfm?story=2963&go=4 . Pretty much it says that you don't give your children self esteem it is a consequence to actions. A consequence to succeeding. A good parent teachers their children to work hard, set goals and be persistent. Success will naturally follow which builds self esteem. I think scouting is a great way of doing this. So are sports and chores but that is a discussion for another day. So I like scouts, I think it is important. The problem I have with my experience with scouts, at least in our ward, is that it is not necessarily taken seriously. A scout is trustworthy... at least he should be. So when leaders just pass off a boy because the requirement is inconvenient or too hard I don't think it teaches him to be trustworthy. I know being a scout leader is hard. It is a demanding job - both in time, patience and money. But if one agrees to do it - he should do it. When the requirement says go on 3 cam pouts with your troop. The boys should go on 3 camp outs with their troop. Not one with the ward, one with their parents and one with the troop. A 1 mile hike should not be passed off by walking down the sidewalk from the church for 1/2 mile and turn around and walk back. (Even if they boys are technically walking for 1 mile - I don't think that is what Powell had in mind)

Anyway I could go on and on, but I won't. The thing is I know that it is a lot, a whole lot, to ask of a man. Especially when he didn't volunteer to do it. Most men agree when called upon, but not because they want to, but because of a sense of obligation and lets face it a bit of guilt if they refuse. Giving up 3 weekends a summer for the 11 year old boys and 10 weekends a year for the older kids - plus 1 week for scout camp is a lot to ask. I hated it when Rick was a scout leader. It's not fair to the leaders family to have him gone so much, for his vacation time to be used up with scouts. But it is also not fair to those boys to be in a program that is ran half hearteldy. I honestly don't know what the answer is.