Babies

I have 5 children. 5 is a good number. It fills up my van, and my fingers, if I am counting on one hand. I have one child for each weekday, and one family member for each day of the week. That may not seem important but when I am making weekly menu's and everyone gets to choose a night - it works out rather nicely. 5 is also the limit of movies you can check out at the library.

Therefore we really can't have anymore kids. They would have no where to ride in the van, and despite my threats, we really just can't strap someone to the top of the van, at least not legally. So we would need a bigger van, a bigger van would require a bigger garage which would require a new house. With one more baby I would have to use 2 hands to count kids, and I rarely have an extra hand for counting. So I would need another hand. Which simply isn't possible, even if it was I would look pretty ridiculous with three hands. We would also need to have dinner twice on one night in order to be fair and then I would be even fatter than I am now. And unless they changed library policy we could no longer check out movies without a major family fight. So bottom line is we simply can not have any more kids. The problem is while I have enough kids, I ran out of babies - and I kinda like them.

My baby is almost three. She tells me at least once a day that she is not a baby, she is a big girl. For proof of this she shows me her big girl panties and her big girl bed. She tries hard not to suck her thumb but the baby in her sneaks a suck now and then, although it is only to keep her thumb "nice and warm" she promises. She talks very well and very much without stopping -ever. She rarely cries like a baby, she has traded that in throwing tantrums like a 2 year old and pouting like a three year old. She likes to run and play with her friends and older siblings. She doesn't like to cuddle or take naps with me or lay on my shoulder. I miss that, a lot.

I'd kind of forgotten about babies, or at least put it out of my mind until last January. My Sister in law had a baby and I started remembering. Then in March my other sister in law had a baby. And it made me wish. Then last week my other sister in law had a baby. And she made me long for just one more chance to have one of my own. They are all so darling, so sweet, so small and so wonderful. There is absolutely nothing like the thrill of bringing a new baby into the world or the excitement of bringing a new baby home. And the special spirit the baby brings into your life is absolutely incomparable. Now it hasn't been long enough for me to forget all the other things a new baby brings, like pain, mind numbing exhaustion, poopy diapers and never ending crying. But those things pale in comparison. Rocking a tiny baby, watching her sleep, that sweet little baby smell, the little sucking motion her lips make while she's sleeping, the feel of her tiny finger wrapping around yours, the softness of her hair on your chin as she lays against your chest. I miss all of those things.

It amazes and humbles me to realize I had the privilege of having all of those things not just once but 5 times. I am just not sure if I am ready to give it all up. I know there are different seasons in life, and realistically I know my baby season is over. I had mine and now it is gone and maybe I am just mourning its passing. I have new seasons beginning, and I am thinking that they may even be just as wonderful, only in a different way. I would never trade what I have now for the past or even go back and do it again but I so miss it. And I guess that right there is proof of what a privilege and blessing it not only was but is.